What Can You Do?
One question that keeps coming to my mind is how does someone help a loved one who is being abused? I am not talking about children. This article is for adults who are choosing to live in an abusive relationship.
Honestly there isn't much you can do, but I have a few thoughts and tips that may help.
First you need to understand an abused mind and realize why there is very little you can do. The closest analogy that I came up with is the classic Frog in a Pot of Water.
If you throw a frog in a pot of boiling water, he will jump right out. But if you put a frog in room temperature water and slowly bring it to a boil, it will stay in the water until it boils to death.
If you throw a frog in a pot of boiling water, he will jump right out. But if you put a frog in room temperature water and slowly bring it to a boil, it will stay in the water until it boils to death.
This explains abuse on so many levels. When you look at your loved one who is being abused it is so evident that it could kill them, but they honestly can't see it. It has become normal life for them, they may feel responsible, or they may believe that everyone is abused behind closed doors, or they might not even realize that it is abuse. Which all of those things is how it was for me. Physical abuse is much easier to realize, but emotional abuse (which is more destructive) is easily overlooked and dismissed.
Good Times
Keep in mind that it isn't always bad. I have some great memories from my abusive marriage. We had plenty of fun and adventures that basically carried me through parts of the lows. And the good times are actually are more substantial because of the contrast. Let me explain with an another analogy that I came up.
Match in the Dark
Imagine you are in a dark cave and it is pitch black but then someone lights a match. The brightness in contrast is so incredible that it seems bright and beautiful. This represents a good day which brings a lot of hope and hopefully a new start. Then it burns out and you are in the dark again. Repeatedly a match is lit and each time you cling more and more to the hope that it will never go dark again. Even though the dark times become longer it just makes the matches seem so much brighter and special.
In all reality they do not realize that they are suppose to stand in the sun and rarely, if ever, face the darkness at all.
In all reality they do not realize that they are suppose to stand in the sun and rarely, if ever, face the darkness at all.
Ways to Help
1- Be a Safe Person
If they are at boiling point then you may need to take a more drastic action. Otherwise the first thing they need is to understand that you are a safe person. They need someone to talk to who will listen. Trust me, just listen. If you, (being a frog thrown into the boiling water), start telling them, (a frog in a hot tub), that they are going to boil alive, you will be rejected and no longer trusted.
If they are at boiling point then you may need to take a more drastic action. Otherwise the first thing they need is to understand that you are a safe person. They need someone to talk to who will listen. Trust me, just listen. If you, (being a frog thrown into the boiling water), start telling them, (a frog in a hot tub), that they are going to boil alive, you will be rejected and no longer trusted.
Yes you will want to yell at them! It probably won't help at all or you could make it much worse for them. Just listen, love them, and show them through your actions that they are worth far more than a life like that. The more you listen, the more they will tell you, and the better you can make a plan to help them.
2- Place to Escape
The next thing is to offer a place for them to escape to. For me, I had dealt with abuse for almost a year when I found myself at my sister's house. She was inspired to take me into another room to see how I was doing while her husband talked to my ex. I began to sob and spilled everything out to her like a flood that had been wanting to burst for a year. Instead of getting mad and forcing anything she told me that I could always come live with them. Looking back now, I am sure watching me and him leave was very difficult, but it was the best thing and 2 weeks later I took advantage of that offer. Having a place to go gives you options which also means power.
The next thing is to offer a place for them to escape to. For me, I had dealt with abuse for almost a year when I found myself at my sister's house. She was inspired to take me into another room to see how I was doing while her husband talked to my ex. I began to sob and spilled everything out to her like a flood that had been wanting to burst for a year. Instead of getting mad and forcing anything she told me that I could always come live with them. Looking back now, I am sure watching me and him leave was very difficult, but it was the best thing and 2 weeks later I took advantage of that offer. Having a place to go gives you options which also means power.
3- Set a Line
Now how do you tell someone in a hot tub that they are going to boil to death? You can't. They need to realize and draw a line when they know it has gone too far. Your job is to help them decided that line and have a plan of action. They need to be in control and know that they are choosing to leave and that they came up with it themselves. The important part of this is because leaving is hard, but staying gone is the hardest.
Now how do you tell someone in a hot tub that they are going to boil to death? You can't. They need to realize and draw a line when they know it has gone too far. Your job is to help them decided that line and have a plan of action. They need to be in control and know that they are choosing to leave and that they came up with it themselves. The important part of this is because leaving is hard, but staying gone is the hardest.
Ask them...
- What does the line look like when it has gone too far?
- What is the final straw?
- What needs to happen before you realize it has gone too far?
- What will you do when that line is crossed?
- How will you stay strong after if you leave?
For me, I had drawn my own line. Thank goodness! My line was the moment he physically hurt me. I know, what a crappy line. Looking back, my line should have been just a month after we were married, and definitely 7 months into our marriage. But at least I made a line and I kept it.
I stayed as long as I could, I tried as hard as I could, and then it became too much when he crossed my line.
I would love to tell you that it was easy from that point on, but not so. Women return on average 7 times before they realize it will never change. For me I returned just once but that was because I wanted to give him a chance to truly change. Even still I wish I hadn't gone back at all.
Check my article on Leaving and Staying Gone coming up next
These are really good insights! Great lesson material to discuss with the entire family. Thank you for sharing your hard experiences with others so that we can learn without repeating.
ReplyDelete