Personal Experience
The first night I left, I went back to my parents home and sat in the basement bedroom and sobbed. The quiet felt like knives being thrown at me and I couldn't handle it. You see, my sister and her family went back to their life, my parents went about their evening just fine, it was mine that had exploded like a bomb and I was alone.
The healing process of abuse is long and hard and I will do another post on that one later on. For now you need to know how to help them stay gone!
Tips to Help
1- Listen
Listen to them and be or pretend to be understanding. Everything in their body is telling them to go back, I know it doesn't make sense but it was normal and predictable but now it isn't. We as humans love consistency and predictability so being taken out of that normality is very difficult. It is as if everything is screaming at them to go back. Just listen and give them time. They may not even realize how many different ways they had been abused.
2- Talk
Keep in mind that they had good times too! This is crucial to remember. It isn't all bad and if you start to only point out the horrible, they will focus more on the good times and want to go back. My family did not listen very well to me, they told me over and over not to go back to him. When they did that I thought they were wrong because he wasn't always that bad. So it is OK to talk about the good with the bad to help them see the balance.
I was so lucky to have gotten on Facebook and got in touch with a High School friend who opened up first saying he left an abusive marriage. I quickly responded about me and we became best friends. We vented and talked and hung out. It was amazing to have a friend going through the same thing and he became my safe person.
3- Outlets
They need to find help. They need someone who truly understands. One of the best things I did for myself is to take Domestic Violence Classes. These classes came with a counseling session each week with a woman that had been abused herself. It was the first time I felt like someone understood why I wanted to go back. They understood my struggle and she just listened. I loved it.
The class was 3 or 4 months long with one class a week. It was very difficult because I had only really been emotionally abused and I was in a room with girls who had their jaws broken, or drowned or sexually abused. I felt like a baby and that my abuse wasn't so bad and I should go back. By the end of class our teacher asked everyone what the worst form of abuse was that they experienced and they all said Emotional Abuse was the hardest. I felt so much better going to class.
You can find other resources too. I had my Church and friends and domestic violence class and with all of those it really helped.
4- Triggers
After being abused it takes a long time to heal. Months after I had been gone and after I had healed a great deal, I faced my first trigger of hundreds. I started hanging out with a group of guys to help me learn to trust men again. Well one of them apparently liked me and grabbed my hand to hold it. I pulled away and then the next day I spent all day sobbing. I had no idea why but I found the answer. I then had to face every single trigger and retrain my mind to react differently. It was very hard and took years to do. 10 years later I still have 3 that I just haven't figured out yet.
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